It starts off like this. A calm walk in the mind, to an endless stream of consciousness.
I type again, on this bright page of light hosted on the internet.
“Dear future me, or should I say … dear future David?”
“It’s Christmas, again. At first, I thought Christmas would be a holly jolly day like it always has been.
Do you feel like that now? Right now, I don’t.
It’s summer, and it’s blazing here. In other parts of the world, they’re most likely enjoying a cup of joe or maybe some hot tea.
And, I’m at the age where I just don’t know where I am — or who I am.
Do you know who you are, and where you are?”
The feed of music echoing through the headphones and into my ears become more intense, as the piano swiftly plays its notes and tones.
“Future David, I don’t know if this summer could go any faster. January is always depressing and I always thought December was more cheery but now … I don’t know.
I’m happy, and I enjoy the things I do and like. I talk to friends, I cheer ‘em up, I enjoy spending time with them, I play games, and it energises my spirit.
But now, I’m at the age where I feel like I’m in limbo. I turned 15 a few months ago, and it was good. I felt like I belonged. But now, everything feels distant.
It’s not that everyone has left, but more so the dread and the worries of a future sorrow I may face. The future where everyone is gone, and I’m left alone to rot in my room.
Did you ever feel like that, Future David?
Do you feel like that?
I remember when I was worried that people would call me emo, and maybe I am. I’ve accepted that I’m emotional, and maybe a weird person. A good weird.
But does anyone ever see that part of you? The part where pieces of a tiny puzzle lie on the soft grass in your ideal mindspace.
Do you feel like you know yourself?
Is your sense of identity there?
I long for it, and maybe it will come to me someday.
The world is not calm anymore. Sometimes, I long for the tranquility of fresh leaves in the breeze, yet no annoying bugs that plague the air.
While I am content with what I have, there’s always that sense of structure. Too much structure. So much so that I have stuck to laws inside of my head, and rules that I have to follow.
It’s not that I want to break the rules that are considered as basic human morality, human decency, and virtuous morals. It’s more so, I feel held back.
I have everything I want,
everything I need,
every friend that I can go to in need,
every family member that I can resort to,
every piece of faith that I require,
yet still, at the same time …
it feels lonely, and it feels like there is an unfinished symphony
awaiting, and longing (like I have) to be finished.
Why did Christmas have to be so depressing?”
I laugh to myself, writing such a sudden question. Then again, I continue to type swiftly.
“Was this supposed to be? Or was this my fault all over again?
I want to know who you are, or who I will be.
To know what was meant to be, and what was not.”
The piano grows louder, and louder. The sound echoes heavier in my head.
“So, Future David.
It’s been all about me. I, me, not you.
So in order to be happy with the fact that this hasn’t been a mysterious rant to a future that I will never know,
and in order to feel content with myself,
I ask this question on your behalf.
How have you been?”
And so, the piano’s tempo paces down. The notes play slower and slower, as it comes to a close. I write the last few words down. My conclusion.
“And at last I end this letter,
just like how …
every beginning has an end.
Nothing in this world we live in is permanent,
but will you please make sure that the moments we have
are not just temporary glimpses
but memories to cherish forever?
Will you make that promise for me?
And will you tell me, if you committed to that promise?
Adieu, my friend. Myself.
Sincerely,
David of 2024”
The sounds of the keyboard stops. I look at the screen again, checking and checking, over and over again, is it the right thing to send this?
I contemplate once more. I say to myself, “there’s no more turning back”.
I close my eyes.
Hey everyone, long time no see. I wanted to make a personal letter to myself, but I thought that sharing it to you all would be beneficial to my wellbeing. Knowing that I don’t have to hide myself, and isolate myself again and again.
You don’t have to take this to heart. In fact, I don’t expect anyone to take this with face value, and call it reality as it can be anything that your heart interprets it to be. But at the same time, I personally feel that it is good to have a way to connect with a snapshot of myself.
I apologise for my absence for these past few months. I have been stressed and pressured with work, as well as personal problems that I cannot share. However, the holidays have happened and I may post occasionally on this publication. Even with the sorrowful tone of this letter, I hope that everyone has a happy holiday and a merry Christmas!
Until we meet again,
Dabido.