im not fine.
yeah, it’s a little bit chaotic this month
For context, read the sixth star. I am not going to re-explain everything, haha.
It’s been a little bit calmer, maybe simpler even for the past few weeks. However, the cycle is restarting, and I can’t break out of it. Maybe this is just a rebound. Maybe this is just a really good friend. I don’t even know anymore!
Well, ok … for starters, the start of this month felt really depressing. Imagine seeing your “ex-crush” every single day (ok maybe not every day) and it’s so awkward that you don’t even have the gut to talk to them. That was me — and I’m usually brave. I think I fell into a sort of depression phase, maybe a bit of yearning. It was kind of what started 501 too, but I guess all of it’s over now. (I’ve vowed myself to keep all of my emotions and feelings into that song.)
But just after that (ok, maybe a week after), I was warming up to a sorta recent friend? I mean, I’ve known them for months (maybe even a year at this point) but they keep texting constantly and always asking for things (not in a toxic way). I’m fine with being bugged, but I just found it a little weird after a while.
It’s driving me insane because we have these like, moments. Friendly moments, I’ll put it at that. Staying up for a long time, sending photos, texting in unusual but still usual styles. I feel a little delusional, maybe trying to discover something that isn’t there.
I’ve been asking for advice, asking people, and all of them are telling me to wait. But what if this is the last chance? What if time is running out? I feel like the advice is sort of helping, but not really. Every day feels like a test, a test of patience but also to decipher whether this person would be beneficial for me or not.
All I know is, I’m not fine. I’m tired of turning every single admiration into a sort of obsession. I don’t want this to be an obsession. I’m trying my best.
I mean, I’m still excited to see them. It’s not like whatever’s getting in the way is ruining our friendship. We still talk everyday. We still debate, maybe send memes to each other. Laugh with each other and maybe laugh at other things.
I just want things to be simple. I don’t want to be so direct and brave anymore that I’m hurting myself every time, but I just want to know. Maybe I want them to know too. I just don’t really know what to do.
Maybe I’m not fine now. But maybe things will be fine in the end. No matter how it goes.
I know you’re reading this.